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Re: Jokes

Postby Anita Bensoussane » 19 May 2017, 07:46

Jamesieboy wrote:"The Mess in The Bathroom" by I P Freely

(Hope that one is "Clean" enough admins)


As long as we don't have a steady stream or veritable flood of such jokes!

Jamesieboy wrote:Man walks into pub, orders a pint bar man says "You seem a bit depressed, what's up?" Man says "My wife reversed the car out of the garage", bar man asks "What was wrong with that?" Man replies "Well I reversed it in last night".

Good one!
"Heyho for a starry night and a heathery bed!" - Jack, The Secret Island.

"There is no bond like the bond of having read and liked the same books."
- E. Nesbit, The Wonderful Garden.


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Re: Jokes

Postby Jamesieboy » 20 May 2017, 00:26

Jamesieboy wrote:Man walks into pub, orders a pint bar man says "You seem a bit depressed, what's up?" Man says "My wife reversed the car out of the garage", bar man asks "What was wrong with that?" Man replies "Well I reversed it in last night".

Good one!


Glad you liked it Anita :)

Hickory dickory dock three mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one, but the other two got away with minor injuries.

You know I think rivers must have lots of money, they're always running between banks.

The worlds fastest fish, the motor pike.

What 7 letters did the wee boy say when he went to the fridge and found nothing in it? O I C U R M T.

In Glasgow sheriff court today, Irish man up in court for allowing his dog to foul the pavement, when asked if he had anything to say in his defence. He said "Yes your honour I told him to sit, he must have misheard me"

The next case was of a used car dealer accused of clocking his cars, said it couldn't be him as at time of the offence he was over 70,000 miles away in Edinburgh.

I remember once my friends granddad threatened to pass wind, luckily he didn't follow through.

Don't know how this one will translate as it's possibly the Scottish accent that makes it work. Two cows in a field how do you know which one is on holiday? The one with the wee calf.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Fiona1986 » 20 May 2017, 12:01

Funny, I got told that last joke just the other day at work.
"It's the ash! It's falling!" yelled Julian, almost startling Dick out of his wits...
"Listen to its terrible groans and creaks!" yelled Julian, almost beside himself with impatience.


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Re: Jokes

Postby Jack400 » 20 May 2017, 19:33

That gives you a head start on the rest of us :lol: I think it works regardless of accent.
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Re: Jokes

Postby IceMaiden » 21 May 2017, 16:06

A not very bright family of four has been found frozen to death outside the local cinema after queuing for three weeks to see 'Closed For The Winter'.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Jamesieboy » 22 May 2017, 01:24

Scots man standing at the bar dressed in full highland regalia, kilt, Prince Charles jacket etc, A woman says "There's a terrible draught in here". Scots man says "Aye your right there hen", she replies "Do you know where it's coming from?" "No" says the Scot "But I ken where it's going".

A Variation of a joke told on this thread much earlier on. Two fish in a tank, one says to the other "You man the gun I'll drive",

Two fish escaped the tank. Swimming down a river come to a concrete wall, one turns to other and says "Dam".

Knock knock, "Who's there?", "Lettuce", "Lettuce who?" "Lettuce in it's cold out here!"

Why was the tomato red? because it saw the salad dressing.

What did the policeman say to his dinner? "Irish stew in the name of the law".

What did he say to his stomach? "Your under a vest".

As you'll probably can tell I love jokes lol. I have amassed a large collection of joke books.

One last cow joke, Where is a cows favourite holiday destination? Moo York (sorry lol)
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Re: Jokes

Postby Courtenay » 03 Jun 2017, 22:51

This is really of no consequence, but I just stumbled upon it and it gave me a laugh:
Cat interrupts German weather report :wink:
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Re: Jokes

Postby pete9012S » 11 Jun 2017, 19:26

Image
" A kind heart always brings its own reward," said Mrs. Lee.
- The Christmas Tree Aeroplane -


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Re: Jokes

Postby Courtenay » 11 Jun 2017, 19:48

Groan. :mrgreen:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Eddie Muir » 11 Jun 2017, 20:24

I must try it, Pete. :lol: :lol:
'Go down to the side-shows by the river this afternoon. I'll meet you somewhere in disguise. Bet you won't know me!' wrote Fatty.

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Re: Jokes

Postby IceMaiden » 15 Jun 2017, 14:46

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Postby Hayleymoomin » 17 Jun 2017, 21:47

What's brown and sticky???




A stick

Edit: removed this bit as political and don't want to be on a naughty step :-)
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Re: Jokes

Postby Courtenay » 27 Jun 2017, 18:26

This isn't a joke as such, just a news item that made me laugh...

A shopkeeper who claimed he was threatened with legal action after calling his shop Singhsbury's has changed its name to Morrisinghs.

Jel Singh Nagra's shop had no name for five years after he said Sainsbury's complained, The Northern Echo reported.

He has now put up a new sign naming his store Morrisinghs, in a bid to put his village of West Allotment, North Tyneside, "on the map".

A spokesman for Morrisons said the supermarket "did not mind".

"Mr Nagra and his customers obviously have good taste so we wish him well," he added.


Obviously they have a better sense of humour at Morrisons... good on 'em. :mrgreen: :wink:
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Re: Jokes

Postby pete9012S » 29 Jun 2017, 17:28

Image
" A kind heart always brings its own reward," said Mrs. Lee.
- The Christmas Tree Aeroplane -


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Re: Jokes

Postby Courtenay » 29 Jun 2017, 17:42

:lol: :lol: :lol: Does Bill Posters have any connection to Bill Smugs??
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